[] KALLISTO'S GUIDE TO BEING INSANE []

I'm posting again! Woo!

This is going to be a short one since I'm low on time.

My life is now this:
-fuck i'm horny
-my friend was dumped by his gf so now he is broken and i'm the only person to help him
-my boyfriend goes to sleep TOO early now. WTF
-rutgers
-SHIT MIDTERMS
-SHITFUCK JAPANESE
-eh, math.
-study abroad scholarship search
-study abroad country program search
-RULE #1 CARDIO
-get some alcohol.


TA DAAAA!

I was going to post something here a long time ago, and I don't remember why, but I had stopped. I opened the draft only to find a few words written down like a puddle of irrelevance in a sea of uncertainty of what irrelevance really is. (On a side note, I would like to say that sometimes even I don't know what I am talking about.) Continuing my previous thoughts...

I feel like a child again and that may be probably because I never really left childhood, only thought I did. I am after all only seventeen. There are songs written about my age. Silly things about parties and alcohol but that seems reserved for the freshmen of high school and college. Everyone else grew up and then down again in between. After college we are lost in that same puddle of irrelevance as the words I meant not to say because the sea of uncertainty is the universe which does not really care whether we succeed or not.
As a species, in a Darwinist point of view, it is safe to say that we are created in a way that makes us insure the survival of our species. Not humans, SPECIES. Humans are not important but the species is. Meaning all of us could die for the greater good of a smaller number if it meant the survival of our DNA. This of course can be disputed in many ways. You can argue scientifically or you can argue religiously and God knows (no pun intended) I would argue back.

Perhaps I am in this sort of mood because I went to church on a Sunday for the first time in my life and then watched Watchmen which made my brain explode with thought that was difficult to contain but more difficult to convey. It is Monday now. The second day of the week if you really think about it. In six days it will be Sunday again, then Monday and so on and so forth. Its so unending. And when I die it will not change. It will still go on. Only when the that LAST human being who knows of the seven week cycle die will it become another irrelevant piece of information in the sea.

Which makes me think now that all we do is irrelevant RELATIVE to what? Relevance? What could I perceive as relevant if I do not have something to be irrelevant in return. The concept is like matter and anti-matter, one could not live without the other.
The human species is only relevant to the fact that we need sustenance. I'm not only talking about water and food but hope and happiness. As you all very well know, depression can kill. But relative to hope and happiness is depression and loss of said hope.

So is all the world a comparison? I have come to conclusion that it is. In science you have trial and error? Correct? Wouldn't that be a comparison to a failed attempt to know what the accomplishment is? Some things shouldn't be compared but its all relative. Of course.


This is what I had written on that earlier date:

I haven't posted in a while. I think its time I said something.

By the way, Rich in Love is a great movie and has a happy ending. If you are ever in need of a feel good movie that won't make you cry that's a good one. I watched it in the morning and it put me in a good mood all day (and my health is crappy so that's doing a lot).

I'm helping my friend clean her room because she might have to move out soon and its definitely a challenge. I was thinking of getting a HAZMAT suit, the carpet scares me that much.

I don't feel like that is relevant anymore to what I had to say today. And I'm sure you would agree.


Maybe....just maybe. I wrote all this because I am bitter about my place in the world. I feel like Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen. Out of touch with reality and I need something to bring me back.

Today I realized something very important. I always knew it but now I can admit it to myself. I am a happy person, living a wonderful life surrounded by wonderful people.

I was born. My parents always loved me. I have no deformities. No diseases. No disorders. Nothing. I am healthy. My brother cares about me. I have no issues. I have never harbored anger against someone or myself without a valid reason. I never believed in God therefore never had to question my belief. I am an average girl. I am smart. I am pretty. I am funny. And I am aware of everything. I am observant but sometimes don't look in the places I should be.

I am sorry to everyone. I wish I had no regrets in my life but they are ridiculous and small regrets that don't mean anything and I don't forget. I live on with my life.

I have a boyfriend that loves me, and I love him. I have no problem attracting both males and females and I am attracted to both. I understand peoples pain but I cannot feel it like they do.

I have smiles that are actually frowns but most of the time they are just smiles. I love everyone and hate everyone equally. I (try to) hold no biased opinions and hear both sides of any story. I do not judge, but I do judge.

I have fun, I get bored. I love music, I hate noise.

I am happy though not care-free. I was never rich but never dirt poor. I never lived in the ghetto only close to it. I always got what I needed though not always what I wanted.


So maybe I'm apologizing for complaining about stupid things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things but where would I be without my misery to hold me at bay. But I think I'm mostly apologizing to all the people that are hurt more than I and I wish I could give each of you a hug and the love you may or may not deserve.

I am a far too fortunate person.

-Jai

PS. But if you turn into a zombie I'll shoot you in the head.

Man, its been a while. Some time has passed since I last posted something here and I say that its been long overdue. Good and bad things have happened, mostly bad than good, but I feel good things are coming so I'm not worrying about it. Now my small introduction is over and I will begin on a topic on my mind often:

LEFT4DEAD
For those that have played Left4Dead, you probably know how addicting it is. I play it on the PC everyday without fail and I can't stop, it is too much fun. I share an account with a friend so I end up going to his house to play LAN a lot. For those that don't know L4D is a zombie apocalypse first person shooter. You must battle hordes of zombies on 4 different maps (and by god, I wish there were more maps). There are also special zombies: Smoker (an elusive zombie that spits its long tongue to get you closer to it and far from your team and explodes in a puff of smoke when killed), Hunter (also an elusive zombie that jumps and pounces but is more close range than the smoker), Boomer (a fat zombie puss filled zombie that vomits on you or gets muck on you if it is killed to close to you, that muck attracts more zombies and impairs your vision), Tank (the hardest zombie to kill, looks like a body builder on heaps of steroids and can throw rocks and cars at you), and last but not least the Witch (she may be anywhere, you hear her crying and as you approach you must be careful not to bother her because if you anger her, she will kill you, it is possible to kill her but also possible to by pass her). You get an array of weapons in L4D such as an assault rifle and a shotgun. My favorite is the shotgun because it kills multiple opponents at one time and does the most damage, though it is not accurate (I can use my pistols for that, which you can use at any time with infinite ammo). Zombies are attracted to repetitive high pitched noises, so don't shoot cars. You get two types of grenades: a Molotov cocktail and an improvised pipe bomb (it has a beeping timer to attract zombies). Lastly, you are one of four characters: Bill (a Vietnam veteran), Zoey (a college student), Francis (a biker dude), and Louis (a black sales rep).
Have fun if you decide to play or do play. SO MUCH FUN! >.<

DISNEY TRIP
I did promise to talk about the Disney Trip. It was very fun and well worth the 1300 hundred dollars spent on it. Disney really is the happiest place on Earth. I roomed with a couple of friends and I could not say that there was no drama. There was plenty. We went everywhere, EPCOT was my favorite by far and my favorite country there was Morocco; all the guys hit on me. XD It was a bonding experience and can't wait to have a trip with friends again. I don't really have any important information for this trip. Oh! Wait! One big thing sucked. If we are in our rooms then we have to leave the curtains open and the doors. We have only one room and a bathroom to change in and four people. Also, we were in front of the pool where everyone could see us change. XP That sucked a lot. Haha, I talked about L4D more than my Disney Trip, thats how addicted I am.

Other
BOYFRIEND: He is visiting tomorrow and I can't wait. I love him so. He completes me and doesn't spout bullshit like most guys. I feel like when he goes back to college we are going to drift apart (again) so I'm trying to strengthen everything now so we can withstand a YEAR! Yeah, good luck to me. I also have a challenge:

Strangers for sure.

I am not sure but I am sure I am actually happy right now. For the first time in a long time, I feel like things are OK. I have wonderful friends who are watching my back and are willing to help out in any crisis. I can't wait to start writing again. I feel so inspired to write. XD

Lets do a five minute poem right now! GO!

If the birds are singing
It means I haven't loaded my gun
If the sun is shining.
For me there is no fun.

I am a classic vampire
romantic and cliche
I'm in a very bad mood
so watch what you say.

OK. That was less than five minutes. Whatever. =D

I just remembered from V for Vendetta when V lets Evey out of his prison and she's screaming about her HAIR. Of all things. She was beaten, tortured, fed poison, and miserable. And she's all like....MYYY HAIIIIIRRRRR, MY BEEE YU TEE FULL HAIR (asthma attack) WTF

ok. ok. ok. um. not much to say when you are happy =/

OK when i have time I will make a better update where I rant about all the movies they are making that I want to put an end to.

Note to self: bring shot gun.

I will also try to talk about the disney trip.

Note to self: bring two shot guns.

and Left4Dead

Note to self: bring assault rifle.


OVER AND OUT!

Some things are hard to admit to yourself and sometimes they are harder to admit to other. Love is one of those things. You can tell yourself you love them, but for them to know that would be your greatest fear. I am going to bare all my problems right now and I'm sort of frightened that the wrong people will see this. I don't want any conflicts to arise from this, but I'm hoping that the ends will justify the means (now that I know what that phrase really means).

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 2 years, 1 month, and 10 days. My mother, for god's sake, thinks we're going to get married. I'm seventeen: meaning the thought of marriage intimidates me (or at lease it does for me, maybe not for other people). For a high school relationship that is a very long time and I have no idea how we have made it this far. Yet, not all is without its cost. We have some problems.

He is a wonderful person and I know he loves me as much as I love him. We kind of need each other in a way but we never get to see each other either. He lives where I used to live and also, now, goes to college 600 miles away (goddamnit!). We know how hard long distance relationships are but we just didn't break up, we kept going. I know I nag him sometimes and ask stupid questions sometimes. I am female, my head would explode if I didn't. He is quiet and doesn't like to worry me with his problems (which bother me because I care enough to nag him about them.

Everything was fine until November 2008. That's when shit started to go down. He's in his first semester of college. He is always busy, no time to talk to me. I called him 2 times everyday (two different phones, but really) and I would talk to him for AT MOST 45 minutes a week. My brain is rotting from all the doubts climbing in by December. I think to myself,What if he's cheating on me?, then, He doesn't care about me enough, I'll just cheat on him then, but then I realize, How could I think that, he probably has a problem that he doesn't want to talk about and here I am thinking such things, HOW COULD I?. I was right to think of myself silly of such thoughts. He majored in art and found that he just couldn't continue it. He failed all his classes from lack of motivation and from simply not giving a shit. And he's an amazing artist, its a shame.

He knew about it when he visited me during his break and didn't tell me. You can imagine how fucking pissed I was to find out from my mom  who found out from his mom. That is just demeaning. How could he not trust me to still love him no matter what kind of trouble he's in? Of course he would think that, I would have done the same thing. To know what happened during the time we spent in his break go find my journal entry called LOST TIME (its not hard to find).

So what happened was that he enrolled in the Winter semester in a different major but they don't let you change majors if you didn't get a certain amount of credits in the previous major beforehand. THEREFORE, he wasn't enrolled in any winter classes. What the fuck, at least now I know. =O

He's at home right now and his mom is not letting him forget about how much of a failure he is. Like all mothers are in an argument I bet she brings out things that happened years and years ago and throws it in just because she can. I hate that but he has to live with this for his entire life now. SO, he is probably spending his empty days watching anime and doing nothing productive. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and frankly, no one could do anything to help him but himself. Which bothers me becuase I'm forced to sit on the sidelines.

More problems arise. Our relationship is serious but I am (ready for this topic?) still a virgin and I was thinking about having sex with him. Problem is, I'm paranoid as hell and I keep thinking I'll get pregnant (and with my luck, that may just happen). I love him and I want us both to be happy. He's not pressuring me into anything but its been TWO years.

BUT WAIT! That would make our relationship REALLY final. Which means, you guessed it, another problem arises. What if he can't find something that makes him happy and he fails another semester in college (which, by the way, he's taking spring/summer courses so that would mean he'll work a year straight with fall/winter classes after, he won't last =[ ). I decided that if that happens, I'll break up with him. I have to, to ensure my future (which you may think as selfish but I have to think about myself sometimes ). I know he needs me but he needs to take care of himself too and while towing me along and bothering him and worrying him, I don't think I should stick around at that point. I love him and if he thought that I was making life harder on him, I would immediately leave. I would do anything, even sacrifice my own happiness but I won't lay down on the street and wait for a car to run me over. I won't.

I wish he could find himself, so he can be happy becuase my happiness depends on his. Its not a good thing but if something happened I'd get over it in tim but...

The weight of his mistakes are heavier than he thinks. I don't think he'll last the year without motivation, and he has none. We are completely and irrevocably doomed.

And my happiness has been put in jeopardy but no other than my own opinions.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the shit has hit the fan.
 

Jai

Thats easy. Ouran High School from Ouran High School Host Club (or was it an academy...?)

I believe she sways her hips when the thunder rolls and laughs anxiously at lighting like she is waiting for a surprise. Jazz strikes the air at twelve and plays a tuneless song at her beat. She tastes like the sky and looks like rain. The music dances at her harmony under her control. Her lips let the moisture run down them and caress her. The musician's striking eyes stay almost closed but watching. Her irregular heartbeat motions her hair to go this way and that. Her legs reach down to the ground and leave no foot print but stomp and feel mother earth below her. She only responds to the baritone of the clouds and the sex of the night. Her voice rings out as she says "love" softly but so loud that it is heard in all corners of the senses. Music is her passion and it plays at the strings of her soul which thunder in the air: somehow restless and calm. Joy is not ecstasy and ecstasy is not emotion, but a moment of vertigo that brings us to the edge of insanity and back again almost rocking like her mad hair and glistening hips. If you felt her touch you would not want to come back without her hysteria corrupting your mind.

Note: Do you know the goddess Astarte aka Ishtar? I imagine her to be like that description.

-Jai

Ghost in the Shell is my favorite anime of all time. What started with a manga in 1991 became a film in 1995 that inspired The Matrix and countless other sci-fi classes. In 2002-2003 it was turned into a great anime series that held its own under the expectations and came up with two more movies: Solid State Society and Innocence. All sound track music was composed by Yoko Kanno who in my eyes is a musical genius. I love it the way it is.
There was a rumor saying that there is going to be a 3rd Gig (3rd season) but most are skeptical and don't see it happening.

There was another rumor that they are making a live-action Ghost in the Shell movie. At this point, I beg of you, kill me. They are going to screw it up like they did to most comic-book hero movies (I think I only enjoyed Iron Man). Everyone of those movies will never surpass the graphic novels.

There is one small sliver of hope. Steven Speilberg hopes to direct it and has wanted to do the project for quite some time. Hopefully he doesn't rely heavily on SFX or else heads will roll.
Another rumor is that Kate Beckinsale is to play the lead, Major Motoko Kusanagi. If she is cast, I will personally see to the assassination of Speilberg for not putting effort into coming up with a suitable cast even with his status. This, I swear.

I strongly recommend watching GITS for anyone that has an attention span long enough. Its not a little, oops-touched-your-boob-by-"accident" kind of anime. It is intellegent, provacative, and fairly amazing.

I did not like sci-fi OR politics until I saw it but it moved me to become more aware of culture inside and outside the boundaries of the mind.

-Jai

When I saw him for the first time, my heart jolted. His familiar face, his walk floated in my mind long after he went through the door. I almost cried. I knew my face was contorted into a look of worry and concern but I didn’t care how many wrinkles I’d get. He was back from his first semester of college. When our eyes met slowly in my back yard (where I got the courage to walk up to him) we didn’t smile like we used to when we saw each other; instead we just hugged the first warm hug in a long time. I wanted him to tell me what happened while he was away. My anger at him for not telling me anything before was dissipating. I put everything aside.

When he smiled I knew he was worse off than I thought. It wasn’t a happy smile, it was a polite smile. I new he genuinely missed me but there was something holding him back from just being happy with me.

We went for a walk. I showed him a place where the trees were perfectly aligned to look like something from Narnia. We went through a park that was like an open field. We cracked jokes like we always used to do. I felt like there was a gap between the moment he left and when he came back. Lost time. I guess long distance relationships are like that; but then there was that moment. Where we hugged and I said something I can’t recall now and he hugged me tighter and said, “I’m so sad.”

I knew he was, I can always tell. He never told me anything during the Lost Time which is also why I punched him when we walked through Narnia. (I punched him in the stomach and knocked the air out of him, it made me happy. Revenge for leaving me clueless all that time.)

We held hands and made fun of an Asian family with two boys at the park; which is ironic because Victor himself is Asian. When we came back to my house I ate breakfast, my mom asked embarrassing questions and we went to my room. We cuddled, wrestled. He tried to feel me up and I resisted half-heartedly because I knew I wanted him to. We kissed passionately but I stopped him and he sighed. He knew why. I had my menstrual cycle, but if I didn’t we would’ve started fucking right there. For the first time, I must add. He loved me. I loved him. We weren’t happy without each other.

When we were walking we saw two dead birds. I had noticed them earlier in my other trips to friends’ homes. I found it weird that there were two birds of the same species dead on the ground. He said that they were probably mates: one died after the other. At the time it sounded like an ill omen. Still does. Though it is what we are. If one love bird dies, the other withers away after it.

When Victor and I were apart we withered away. Like Love Birds without a string to keep them together.

 

It has been over a week. He’s gone again and silent as always. Yesterday he talked to me for the first time in a couple of days and the one word answers he gave me made me feel worse and worse. I cheered him up; I always know how to. Still, he is never going to be the same happy boyfriend he was when he started. He has no motivation to do anything. He won’t be happy because he can’t bring himself to be that way and I can’t be happy because my happiness depends on his.
 

How anti-climatic… The song I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness just started playing.

"Mother do you think she'll try to break my balls." -Pink Floyd

No, she'll break your balls.

My friends think that my mom is the nicest person in the world. Which she is, when they're around. When its just me, she makes my life full of misery and guilt. I shouldn't complain, she gives me everything, even a choice to be who I am (which is more than any mother -ahem asain cough- would do for her child), BUT SERIOUSLY.

I'm going to get a job and get a mini fridge and mini oven and mini bathroom and put it in my room and live there. I'll buy a little TV and tell her to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM. -heave-
She comes in there and even when its sparkling she'll find something for me to clean or do. She tells me when to go to sleep which doesn't really apply to my hours because I've been sleeping all day, now I feel awake.

What else? She wants me to stay home all throughout college. I understand that she's getting older and I have to help her but she drives me crazy. My boyfriend suggests I go far away because all I do is complain about her (which is a reasonable suggestion). Problem is every time I mention a far away college my mom flips a shit and puts me through a guilt trip. Wait that was 2 months ago. NOW, she literally threatens me while lacing her argument with comments like "whatever you want" and "I won't stand in your way."
BULLSHIT.

I applied to a lot of colleges close by, but I hope I get into the one in upstate NY or even better: Illinois.

-Jai

Lets be selfish and talk about myself.

I'm a 17 year old, female. I am a senior in high school; yes, I am applying to colleges at this moment and I'd be almost done too if I had stamps, but I don't so I have to wait until someone donates some to me.
I enjoy drawing (and by that I mean doodling in class when I should be listening), and I love to write stories, but I won't be coming up with any until January when all my apps are done.
I can't drive, but that will change soon too.
I love anime and manga. I don't want to be japanese.
I am Russian; I don't have an accent; I do drink occasionally.

I have a deviant art account.
I have a facebook.
I forgot the password for my myspace.

I read webcomics. I recommend books. I survive on music and coffee.

I have blue eyes and brown hair.
I have vanishing freckles.
I have contacts. My vision sucks.
I have fat, mostly attached to my ass and thighs. And pouch.

I use anime emoticon thingies. ^.^

I want to sleep. -________- z z z

-Kallisto

PS. My real name starts with a "J."